Sad, Mad,Frustrated, and Bad Dreams

As most of you know I have been tainted by bad dreams the last few months, well like the last 8 months really, but they were really starting to subside and go away. I think they are back. ugh.
The worst part of some of them are they are all true. Everything that happens in them has already happened and now they are just there haunting me, reminding me of certain people and what that certain person has done to wrong me or another of my loved ones and quite frankly I'd rather forget those unpleasant memories. I just can't shake them though. I had a dream about Lexi and Jessica and the pig she calls her husband. It pretty much was a run through of the last 5 1/2 years. Everything Chris and Jess put Lexi through. Put me through. Put my mom, dad, and penny through. I woke up with the most overwhelming need to just scream at the top of my lungs and to just drive over to her house and take everything she took from everyone else and leave her with nothing. It doesn't help that I have everyone breathing down my neck about just forgiving her and letting her back in, even if its the right thing to do or not, I think most people are sick of the anger and agitation I have towards her and her disgusting husband. Which most days just makes me not want to have anything to do with her even more. People just need to leave it alone and quit telling me when I should let it go. I have every right to be upset and stay upset! She has hurt me enough! I think I am capable of being my own judge of character and know whether she is ready to change and be forgiven. And until most of you people go through what she has put me through you really have no reason laying out judgment on the situation.
Some of you have been treated just as badly, on numerous occasions, and still you let her back in! I don't get it! You are gonna let her walk all over you until you are completely stripped of everything, any emotion. I don't care if she's your daughter, sister, cousin, niece. She is my sister too and I have had enough! People say, " She is family, you should forgive her just for that reason, family needs to stick together!" well that may be true but "family" doesn't do half of the crap she has inflicted on people. It's so not fair that she gets away with this. She should come stare the people she hurt the most in the face and see the hurt on everyone face and actually see what she has done and own up to it FINALLY! It's ridiculous to have so much anger and hate towards someone, a sister no less. And I don't use the word hate lightly, I never have but I can honestly say that word fits the best with the way I feel. What about her daughter? People seem to forget about that factor, the biggest factor in my eyes actually. It just angers me more to see Lexi go through this. To hear Lexi say that she still misses her, that she still loves her. She doesn't deserve this little girls love or affection! Lexi is so much better than her! The worst part is I miss her too, I don't want to. Not her really, the idea of her, the connection between another sister and me. but that connection is completely severed, maybe forever. There is too much damage. Why does she deserve it anyway? I want these feelings to go away. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling so mad all the time. I resent her for ruining me like this. That's what she has done, she ruined me, she completely broke me. I thought I was stronger than that, but I guess not or else I would be able to shake it and write her off. but here I am crying because I'm sad, mad, frustrated, and resentful.

Pure Silliness :)

Hello everyone!

I hope you all had a great Christmas and New Years! Mine was pretty good!
Amber, Jared, John and I all had a slumber party with Lexi on Christmas Eve. She really liked that. She thought it was pretty cool that she had a sleepover with all her aunts and uncles. Not to mention we all piled into one room like we used to when were all younger. I got to say though John and I didn't make it to midnight on new years, we were a little tired. So we pooped out around 10:30.

I watched Trisha's kids the other day which was awesome! I haven't seen those kids in such a long time and it was great to see them! They were super silly that night! As soon as they seen Uncle John they ran right up to him and all piled on top of his lap. So I thought it was really cute so I decided to take some pictures which then started even more silliness. It went from me taking pictures of them all being silly, doing funny poses to them all saying, " Lets take pictures with you Aunt Sara!" so then I joined in, in the silliness. Well then from there John decided to pick them all up (all 3 of them) at the same time well lets just say they loved it! So I got a break for a while with pictures of me. When John picked them up at once he took them to our room and threw them onto our bed! They were just a laughing!!! It was pretty cute! I'll post some pictures!
That same night Jaidan had cornered Patches under our table in our living room and she didn't like that, she was swatting him on the face with her paws, which thank goodness she has no claws in the front, and Jaidan thought that was hilarious! She would swat him and he'd start laughing and he'd say, " It doesn't hurt! It tickles!" . hahahahaha so cute!

The day after Christmas John went and got a new truck! He was pretty excited, and I'm sure if you call or email him about it he would love to tell you about it! :)

So that was our lives in a nut shell for the last couple of weeks. I hope yours was as good as mine.


As you can see they really do love their Uncle John!




















This is their "Angel" pose as they put it! ;)



















This is where John decided to pick them all up and now they are chasing me! Next is him heading to our bed to throw em! :)





















Then Jaidan pooped out after all the nonstop running around!

Merry Christmas!

Well today is Christmas Eve, which means tomorrow is Christmas!!! I am so excited! I swear I still get just as excited for Christmas as I did when I was little. Obviously for different reasons. Instead of being excited about getting presents from Santa, Im more excited to see and hear from all my family and friends. Just knowing that we are all here still and happy makes me even happier! I wish I could change a few situations in my ever growing family and see a few people a little more, see a few people a little less, but other than that I am perfectly content in my life right now. It's going to be a great day tomorrow! I love Christmas!

I hope everyone has a MERRY CHRISTMAS! Drive safe to all the destinations you will be going to!
Love you all!

A Family in Need

Today is a sad day. A friend of mine from high school, Kendra, has been going through an extremely hard time the past month. Her little girl was diagnosed with SMARD = spinal muscular atrophy with respiratory distress and needless to say it wasn't a good diagnosis. Makenzie is the little girls name, she is 4 1/2 months old. With that disease it slowly but still aggressively paralyzes her and it has already paralyzed her lungs so she can no longer breathe on her own, well yesterday morning Kendra and her husband decided to take her off the ventilator and she passed away last night. It is such a horrible but happy ending. My heart literally hurts for them. To lose a child would be the greatest pain I can imagine one could ever endure. I can't imagine they came to that decision lightly. The doctors told them that she wouldn't make it either way but that they could keep her on the ventilator as long as they wanted and needed her to be. I guess they just chose to let her go. Kendra has made a blog about "Kenzie" and her story, it has gotten quite the following and it really is an amazing and even though horribly sad it is an extremely uplifting to read the words Kendra puts out for everyone to read to be "in the loop" about this precious little girl. Now I am posting this to ask all of you to go to her blog and read, be inspired by it. It is really sad but this family could use all of our support and supportive words.

The blog address is: kendraandryanwebster.blogspot.com

Tis the Season!

Well Folks Christmas is here! Well in 17 days it is. I am so looking forward to spending time with family! I'm excited to see Wesley's excited little face when he see's all those presents from Santa and when he realizes that he can ACTUALLY touch them without getting told no! Lexi, like usual will tear into her presents and not really look at them and then will be bummed when she is done, like she does every year. But it will be nice to see her open them anyway. Wish we could see ALL the kids in our family open their gifts but that is just not a realistic want, I know that. John and I are gonna try our best to make sure we make the rounds on Christmas and we will try not to forget anyone, I promise.

We hope that everyone has a great Christmas! Be safe, and we love you all!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving! Mine was okay, not great but it wasn't bad. So I'd say the holiday weekend was overall a success. The boys all went shooting on Friday morning, they all seemed to have a good time, so that makes me happy to see them, especially John, happy.
I was really happy to the kids! Hope was telling me in her squeaky voice of hers about her and Savannah's dance recital that's coming up and she asked me if I'd buy her flowers that day and give em to her after her performance! :) I thought that was really cute! How can I refuse to do that now?

Christmas is coming up and we are dead broke!! What's a person to do or get people when they have no money? :( I think I'll have to be creative this year. Any ideas?

BEWARE OF THIS POST!!!! ***TMI ***

So this is totally going to be a TMI (To much information-thought I'd clarify for my mom just in case) post. I really probably shouldn't post this but I found this to be quite hilarious, and just shows my true stupidity that I seem to be having more and more. Anyways back to my story.
I get up and go into the bathroom to go to the bathroom naturally, so I pull down the necessary garments and begin to urinate when all of a sudden my rear end started to get unnaturally warm (and no it was NOT gas) and I being the person I am just stand up for really no reason but to see what the heck is going on, well then I happen to notice, and totally have an OH SHIT moment, I realize I didn't pull down my underwear like I thought I had and just tried to pee through them and that warmth I felt was my own bodily fluid that is now soaked in my only pair of clean underwear I brought with me to my dads this morning to get dressed in. OOPS! I am so stupid sometimes. ugh. Like I said TMI I know but I had to share this moment with anyone who would read about it and well seems how you people follow and read my blog well you guys unfortunately are my unlucky crowd. It really is funny though. Oh well, whats a person to do in this situation?

So many stories so little time!

It's been quite a while hasn't it? I know, sorry about that it has been crazy hectic around here!
We recently had to go out to Texas on a family emergency :( which wasn't the best situation to have to go out, but in the end it turned out okay. For all of you who didn't know, we went because John's Grandma Millie wasn't doing very well and was put in the ICU at the hospital in San Antonio, John actually went out on a Sunday then told me to come out Monday, lets just say it wasn't looking very good. But she pulled through and is doing very well, she got to come home yesterday I was told so that is great news and I'm sure everyone can breathe a little easier! It was way nice to see everyone even if the circumstances sucked. We ended up coming home with a new car! :) That was something we both weren't expecting but we are both way excited about it! We got a 2006 Lexus RX 330, John's grandpa and Suzanne helped us with getting it. They are such generous people and we are so grateful for there help in any situation they help us with. So thanks guys, this is great!

There is kind of a funny story from when we were gone though, well it's funny now but at the time I wasn't laughing. So the night I arrived in San Antonio we stayed at John's grandmas house,(Now before I tell the story I should tell you that I haven't been sleeping well for the last 10 months, I have been having the most horrible nightmares I have ever had and I recently learned that this hasn't been a secret throughout all sides of my family, word has definitely gotten around about whats been going on with my sleep habits) I fell asleep with my head laying on John's shoulder, so in the middle of the night I woke up to 2 different pains going on, I have this pain on my upper left forehead and then on my right shoulder/ neck. Well I soon realize that all this pain is coming from John (who is still sleeping so he has no idea what he is doing) who is biting my forehead and his hand was squeezing my shoulder/neck so I start squirming and moving trying to get out of his hold, but the more I move the tighter he grips himself. So then I start screaming and hitting him trying to wake him up. Finally he wakes up and he apologizes and he totally feels awful for it but I was fine. But at the time when I was yelling and hitting him I didn't really think about waking everyone else in the house. So John's grandma Millie lives with John's Aunt Shelia, well she was there at the apartment with her friend Shawna and while all this is going on and I'm screaming, I woke up Shawna who apparently ran into Shelia's room and woke her up by saying, " I don't know whats going on!!!" they thought I was the one who was having a nightmare! LOL. Well someone was having a nightmare but this time it definitely wasn't me!! Anyways I think it's funny, I wasn't laughing at the time cause it kinda freaked me out but now its funny and Shawna's reaction makes even better!

On a lighter note, John's birthday is this Sunday, November 22, so I need to do some birthday shopping this week. I don't know exactly what I'm getting him but I'm sure I will think of something! But for all of you people who are thinking about getting something for him for his birthday he has told me and some other people that he really wants gift cards to Cabelas, he has his eyes set on a new rifle. You know unless you wanted to buy it for him! ;) Just kidding.

Well that's all I got today. I hope everyone is doing good! Love you all!
Sara