GED

John went and bought me this GED study book I have been wanting. I am so excited! I have been a studying machine. I am absolutely determined to get this taken care of in the next couple of months. I have put it off long enough. I shouldn't have waited, well I shouldn't have dropped out in the first place but thats neither here nor there. But then life just kinda got in the way and it was never a good time to do it. This time I will stop making excuses and just do it! I have been taking the pretests in the book now, and I got to say its a little harder than I thought it would be but then again I haven't gone to school in 5 years so I should have expected a little difficulty. Though I am doing fairly well on the tests. I'm not missing that many answers. Except for Science. I had a hard time with the science test. I'll have to study that subject a little more. My goal is to be ready and go take the test by April. So keep your fingers crossed!!!! I sure will! :)

Babies anyone?

I swear all of my old friends and newer ones, all have kids. Except for me! Which I would not say is a bad thing.One day John and I will have us a baby I'm sure. Not now or any time real soon, I don't think. Not unless it's a whoops! and lets just say we are taking the absolute necessary precautions. However I wouldn't mind starting the prep that must come along with us having a baby. Well I mean my prep. John and I would like to get a house first before we even start to talk about starting a family. But I don't think it's a must have before. I just want it to feel right and whether we have a house or not I don't think would factor into our decision process. It would be a plus though, don't get me wrong but I think I'd be happy to just be able to put a roof over all of our heads, and that doesn't really have to be a house, does it? The idea of kids, is exciting, frightening, and a little overwhelming. I hope when we do have kids, whoops or planned, that all the termoil in our family is resolved. I really think that bringing a baby into the world should be a joyous time not a horrible one. We would love to share that time with all of our families, not excluding anyone. But I think that is just wishful thinking unfortunately. But who knows right? Anything can happen.

Weekend Madness

It was a fairly busy weekend, or at least it felt that way. Friday night I didn't do much of anything except for order Chinese food with my dad and penny and the rest of the fam. and stay in and play games. Scrabble and Rumicube wahoo. John went out to M & M's house to get his rings back for his scope. Saturday we went to lunch with penny and her family cause it was my Grandma Grandes 85th birthday on Tuesday so everyone went to lunch with her to celebrate that milestone. Then Sunday we went to see Avatar, which is an awesome movie by the way. I'm ready to go see it again!
The weekend was fun, wish it was a little more relaxing but thats okay, at least it wasn't drama filled like so many others. I wish I could say our lives more interesting than that but sadly it's not right now.

On another not so nice news,I think my poor toe is infected!! Over the weekend I had to deal with a swollen foot, yes I said foot not just toe, and its oozing this gross green/yellow stuff. So I called the doctor to see what he says, so now I am waiting for him to call me back. My foot seriously looks like it swallowed a grapefruit on the underneath of my foot. It's awful. It doesn't matter how I sit, try to walk, how I lay down it always hurts. I can barely hobble around on it. I look ridiculous! Not to mention it's just nasty! EEW! I will spare you the more disgusting details. Just take my word for it.

Now for the goodnews! Did you all hear? New Moon comes on DVD on March 30th! Are you excited cause I know I am! :) I know you all will be at a store that day waiting in line to get your copy just like me!

I'm not ready for that.

Today I feel good. I feel a little relief about some situations. I think my last post I was a little upset. Maybe more than a little. I hated posting such angry words, even though I meant every bit of it. I just had, had enough. I was and still am tired of people telling me how to cope/deal with things. Telling me when I needed to just get over it. I can honestly say that if I could "just get over it" I would. It seems my life has been completely consumed by our family constantly bickering. Specially over someone I feel is so juvenile and not worth our breath at the moment. I wish and hope that one day I won't feel the way I do. However I don't really see that in the near future. So far since my last post people have backed off, but then again it's only been 2 days so we'll see how it goes from here. But thank you for every one who backed off. I received some articles on forgiveness and how to move past these types of things. They were great articles. But I'm not ready for that. When I am though they will definitely come in handy. So thanks, Suzanne :) your great.
I was never a person to hold grudges, but with this one situation I can't help it. I feel she deserves it. Though I don't. I don't deserve to have the anger,resentment,frustration,petty feelings I have now. But again I don't know if I can let go of them just yet. They help me remember why I am so upset in the first place and why she deserves to be banned from my life right now. I know I can remind myself without all these horrible feelings but again I'm not ready for that.

I have realized that I have been using the phrase, "I wish" alot so I thought I could layout my wish list:

01. I WISH that I could depend on ALL of my sisters as they all have been able to depend on me at one point or another.

02. I WISH that I got more time with the kids, Hope, Savannah, Jaidan, and especially Colton because I seem him the least.

03. I WISH my mother could see she deserves more than she has.

04. I WISH I could make John happier. <- I will always strive for that. It's never good enough for me. I always need to want to make him happy or else why would he want to make me happy?

05. I WISH I could see so many of my loved ones who have passed away, just one more time.

06. I WISH there was a way to fix everything that has gone on in the last 5 1/2 years, but I know I can't.

07. I WISH I had more time to read. I have come to really enjoy reading. Who would have thunk?

08. I WISH I could lose about 40 pounds. Yes I wrote 40! Oh boy do I need to.

09. I WISH my entire family, new and old, could be happy all at once instead of someone always sad or mad about something.

10. I WISH I take away all the horrible things that Lexi has had to go through and deal with.

11.I WISH I could be ready.

..................ARRRGGG.................

I don't know what else to do. I have asked nicely numerous times. No one is listening! I don't want to hear about her! I don't want to hear about her life, what she is doing with her life. NOTHING!
I'm so tired of her getting people to go to battle for her! That is exactly why she is the way she is. She knows that there is always going to be someone to go to bat for her and she won't have to do anything, own up to anything! This is bullsh*t. Leave me alone when it comes to this issue. All of you who refuse to respect my wishes are really just pushing me away from you. Don't you get that she is winning? This is exactly what she wants and wanted all along. I wish she would just go away!
And don't you dare tell me how I am supposed to feel, act/react, what to do, say or not to say!
I am not a child, I'm not 16 you are not my mother, you don't get to tell me how to do any of this. I will deal and express and heal the way I feel fit! Quit trying to be the hero! She and everyone else doesn't need you or anyone else to be the hero. What we need is for her to own up and fix the shit she broke. Her saying she is going to is a whole other thing and not even close to being good enough. She has lied so many times, made so many promises and broke them that I do not believe a damn word that comes out of her mouth. If she doesn't like it to bad! She put herself in this situation all by her self, she can deal with the repercussions of her actions, for once! I'm done asking nicely! Apparently asking nicely is getting me nowhere. So if you all don't back off thats it! I will bow out of your lives as well! This is way to stressful for me. Its affecting everything I do, everyone I know. The relationships between myself and others. I'm done with this LEAVE IT ALONE!!!!!!

Christmas Eve Slumber Party Picture

My Poor Toe :(

Yesterday I went to a podiatrist to have them look at my left big toe. It was starting to look a little funny, I mean the nail was raising and there looked like there was a huge blister growing under the nail and it started to get infected. So I got to the doctors office and he is looking at it and he decided to take the entire nail off! After he took the nail off that so called blister was actually a BONE! A bone had started to grow off the normal bone and up. So he cut off that bone. Lets just say by toe is really sore!!!! OUCH. Stupid toe anyways.

Sad, Mad,Frustrated, and Bad Dreams

As most of you know I have been tainted by bad dreams the last few months, well like the last 8 months really, but they were really starting to subside and go away. I think they are back. ugh.
The worst part of some of them are they are all true. Everything that happens in them has already happened and now they are just there haunting me, reminding me of certain people and what that certain person has done to wrong me or another of my loved ones and quite frankly I'd rather forget those unpleasant memories. I just can't shake them though. I had a dream about Lexi and Jessica and the pig she calls her husband. It pretty much was a run through of the last 5 1/2 years. Everything Chris and Jess put Lexi through. Put me through. Put my mom, dad, and penny through. I woke up with the most overwhelming need to just scream at the top of my lungs and to just drive over to her house and take everything she took from everyone else and leave her with nothing. It doesn't help that I have everyone breathing down my neck about just forgiving her and letting her back in, even if its the right thing to do or not, I think most people are sick of the anger and agitation I have towards her and her disgusting husband. Which most days just makes me not want to have anything to do with her even more. People just need to leave it alone and quit telling me when I should let it go. I have every right to be upset and stay upset! She has hurt me enough! I think I am capable of being my own judge of character and know whether she is ready to change and be forgiven. And until most of you people go through what she has put me through you really have no reason laying out judgment on the situation.
Some of you have been treated just as badly, on numerous occasions, and still you let her back in! I don't get it! You are gonna let her walk all over you until you are completely stripped of everything, any emotion. I don't care if she's your daughter, sister, cousin, niece. She is my sister too and I have had enough! People say, " She is family, you should forgive her just for that reason, family needs to stick together!" well that may be true but "family" doesn't do half of the crap she has inflicted on people. It's so not fair that she gets away with this. She should come stare the people she hurt the most in the face and see the hurt on everyone face and actually see what she has done and own up to it FINALLY! It's ridiculous to have so much anger and hate towards someone, a sister no less. And I don't use the word hate lightly, I never have but I can honestly say that word fits the best with the way I feel. What about her daughter? People seem to forget about that factor, the biggest factor in my eyes actually. It just angers me more to see Lexi go through this. To hear Lexi say that she still misses her, that she still loves her. She doesn't deserve this little girls love or affection! Lexi is so much better than her! The worst part is I miss her too, I don't want to. Not her really, the idea of her, the connection between another sister and me. but that connection is completely severed, maybe forever. There is too much damage. Why does she deserve it anyway? I want these feelings to go away. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling so mad all the time. I resent her for ruining me like this. That's what she has done, she ruined me, she completely broke me. I thought I was stronger than that, but I guess not or else I would be able to shake it and write her off. but here I am crying because I'm sad, mad, frustrated, and resentful.

Pure Silliness :)

Hello everyone!

I hope you all had a great Christmas and New Years! Mine was pretty good!
Amber, Jared, John and I all had a slumber party with Lexi on Christmas Eve. She really liked that. She thought it was pretty cool that she had a sleepover with all her aunts and uncles. Not to mention we all piled into one room like we used to when were all younger. I got to say though John and I didn't make it to midnight on new years, we were a little tired. So we pooped out around 10:30.

I watched Trisha's kids the other day which was awesome! I haven't seen those kids in such a long time and it was great to see them! They were super silly that night! As soon as they seen Uncle John they ran right up to him and all piled on top of his lap. So I thought it was really cute so I decided to take some pictures which then started even more silliness. It went from me taking pictures of them all being silly, doing funny poses to them all saying, " Lets take pictures with you Aunt Sara!" so then I joined in, in the silliness. Well then from there John decided to pick them all up (all 3 of them) at the same time well lets just say they loved it! So I got a break for a while with pictures of me. When John picked them up at once he took them to our room and threw them onto our bed! They were just a laughing!!! It was pretty cute! I'll post some pictures!
That same night Jaidan had cornered Patches under our table in our living room and she didn't like that, she was swatting him on the face with her paws, which thank goodness she has no claws in the front, and Jaidan thought that was hilarious! She would swat him and he'd start laughing and he'd say, " It doesn't hurt! It tickles!" . hahahahaha so cute!

The day after Christmas John went and got a new truck! He was pretty excited, and I'm sure if you call or email him about it he would love to tell you about it! :)

So that was our lives in a nut shell for the last couple of weeks. I hope yours was as good as mine.


As you can see they really do love their Uncle John!




















This is their "Angel" pose as they put it! ;)



















This is where John decided to pick them all up and now they are chasing me! Next is him heading to our bed to throw em! :)





















Then Jaidan pooped out after all the nonstop running around!