I'm not ready for that.

Today I feel good. I feel a little relief about some situations. I think my last post I was a little upset. Maybe more than a little. I hated posting such angry words, even though I meant every bit of it. I just had, had enough. I was and still am tired of people telling me how to cope/deal with things. Telling me when I needed to just get over it. I can honestly say that if I could "just get over it" I would. It seems my life has been completely consumed by our family constantly bickering. Specially over someone I feel is so juvenile and not worth our breath at the moment. I wish and hope that one day I won't feel the way I do. However I don't really see that in the near future. So far since my last post people have backed off, but then again it's only been 2 days so we'll see how it goes from here. But thank you for every one who backed off. I received some articles on forgiveness and how to move past these types of things. They were great articles. But I'm not ready for that. When I am though they will definitely come in handy. So thanks, Suzanne :) your great.
I was never a person to hold grudges, but with this one situation I can't help it. I feel she deserves it. Though I don't. I don't deserve to have the anger,resentment,frustration,petty feelings I have now. But again I don't know if I can let go of them just yet. They help me remember why I am so upset in the first place and why she deserves to be banned from my life right now. I know I can remind myself without all these horrible feelings but again I'm not ready for that.

I have realized that I have been using the phrase, "I wish" alot so I thought I could layout my wish list:

01. I WISH that I could depend on ALL of my sisters as they all have been able to depend on me at one point or another.

02. I WISH that I got more time with the kids, Hope, Savannah, Jaidan, and especially Colton because I seem him the least.

03. I WISH my mother could see she deserves more than she has.

04. I WISH I could make John happier. <- I will always strive for that. It's never good enough for me. I always need to want to make him happy or else why would he want to make me happy?

05. I WISH I could see so many of my loved ones who have passed away, just one more time.

06. I WISH there was a way to fix everything that has gone on in the last 5 1/2 years, but I know I can't.

07. I WISH I had more time to read. I have come to really enjoy reading. Who would have thunk?

08. I WISH I could lose about 40 pounds. Yes I wrote 40! Oh boy do I need to.

09. I WISH my entire family, new and old, could be happy all at once instead of someone always sad or mad about something.

10. I WISH I take away all the horrible things that Lexi has had to go through and deal with.

11.I WISH I could be ready.