As most of you know I have been tainted by bad dreams the last few months, well like the last 8 months really, but they were really starting to subside and go away. I think they are back. ugh.
The worst part of some of them are they are all true. Everything that happens in them has already happened and now they are just there haunting me, reminding me of certain people and what that certain person has done to wrong me or another of my loved ones and quite frankly I'd rather forget those unpleasant memories. I just can't shake them though. I had a dream about Lexi and Jessica and the pig she calls her husband. It pretty much was a run through of the last 5 1/2 years. Everything Chris and Jess put Lexi through. Put me through. Put my mom, dad, and penny through. I woke up with the most overwhelming need to just scream at the top of my lungs and to just drive over to her house and take everything she took from everyone else and leave her with nothing. It doesn't help that I have everyone breathing down my neck about just forgiving her and letting her back in, even if its the right thing to do or not, I think most people are sick of the anger and agitation I have towards her and her disgusting husband. Which most days just makes me not want to have anything to do with her even more. People just need to leave it alone and quit telling me when I should let it go. I have every right to be upset and stay upset! She has hurt me enough! I think I am capable of being my own judge of character and know whether she is ready to change and be forgiven. And until most of you people go through what she has put me through you really have no reason laying out judgment on the situation.
Some of you have been treated just as badly, on numerous occasions, and still you let her back in! I don't get it! You are gonna let her walk all over you until you are completely stripped of everything, any emotion. I don't care if she's your daughter, sister, cousin, niece. She is my sister too and I have had enough! People say, " She is family, you should forgive her just for that reason, family needs to stick together!" well that may be true but "family" doesn't do half of the crap she has inflicted on people. It's so not fair that she gets away with this. She should come stare the people she hurt the most in the face and see the hurt on everyone face and actually see what she has done and own up to it FINALLY! It's ridiculous to have so much anger and hate towards someone, a sister no less. And I don't use the word hate lightly, I never have but I can honestly say that word fits the best with the way I feel. What about her daughter? People seem to forget about that factor, the biggest factor in my eyes actually. It just angers me more to see Lexi go through this. To hear Lexi say that she still misses her, that she still loves her. She doesn't deserve this little girls love or affection! Lexi is so much better than her! The worst part is I miss her too, I don't want to. Not her really, the idea of her, the connection between another sister and me. but that connection is completely severed, maybe forever. There is too much damage. Why does she deserve it anyway? I want these feelings to go away. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling so mad all the time. I resent her for ruining me like this. That's what she has done, she ruined me, she completely broke me. I thought I was stronger than that, but I guess not or else I would be able to shake it and write her off. but here I am crying because I'm sad, mad, frustrated, and resentful.
No comments:
Post a Comment